Finding God - a conversion experience

Good evening Lord;


   Lloyd had sneaky eyebrows, big and bushy. In group he would point them at you like a weapon when he asked a question. I always felt compelled to answer truthfully. I was in alcohol rehab to try to get to the bottom of the binge drinking that occurred whenever I was away from my family


Loneliness? 

Well yeah, but there was also a lot of depression involved. I discovered later that seasonal affective disorder was part of the problem. Anyway at the time I didn't believe in you.  At least not when asked. In retrospect I think I have felt your presence since I young but denied you entry into my adult life.


Yes, Especially after your brother's death. You went into a period of deep seated hatred for what you felt as injustice. After all he was only 13 when he passed. If you remember, you cursed me quite often following that.


Yeah, I hated you for letting him die. I hated myself for being in the next room not realizing he was dying. And I started drinking again. It was nothing new to me after all I was a Navy trained lush.

I thought this was about your conversion experience not your alcoholism?


I'm getting there, jeez your pushy! So anyway I'm in rehab hating myself and hating god, blaming the drinking on loneliness. In group session one morning Lloyd pointed his eyebrows at me and asked "If god were here in this room what you would say to him" Everything in me jumped as did I, screaming at the top of my lungs "Get the fuck out motherfucker, You're not wanted here. You have fucked up up everything you have touched. By now I'm in tears, snot blowing from my nose. Eight other group members and Lloyd staring at me in shock while I continued to rant "If it wasn't for you motherfucker Jay would be  alive. Just get the fuck out of my life and stay out, you incompetent fuck."


Yet here I am as always, along with Jake. we will always be here for you. No one is ever really dead in spirit. As long as you carry him in your heart he will never die
.
  That's the conversion experience isn't it? Being born again as some Christians say. But I wasn't there yet. As part of rehab we were required to attend AA meetings nightly and to try to follow their 12 step program. Here's where I had some trouble. The first three steps right out of the big book.



1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him
.
  Well Step one was easy. It was clear my life was unmanageable. However coming to believe in a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity was a lot more difficult. 


  People in AA have talked about making a doorknob, a chair, even a particular tile on the floor as that power greater than themselves. Maybe it worked for them but it didn't work for me. I had to find a power greater than myself and I could name lots but none I really believed were greater than myself. My responsibilty to my family? I had abandoned that when I started drinking heavily.

Are you going to come to a point here soon? You're losing your audience.
Ha, funny guy! You got someplace to be, oh omnipresent one?

A little respect please. remember I am the Alpha and the Omega.

I'm impressed, not! So one quiet night just before lights out another group member and I were talking I was explaining my problem to him and he says "Why not use Jay as your Higher Power. It was at that moment I felt Jay's presence come to me holding out his hands. I stood. We hugged. I broke into tears again.  Snot blowing from my nose Jake and I headed toward the bathroom. As I washed my face and dried my eyes I would glance up and Jay would be standing next to me not saying anything. I just knew that he was alright and somehow I knew I would be alright too. Laughter returned to my life.

I laid in bed for hours just enjoying Jay's presence. Later, I began to feel another presence with him. That was you Lord. I can't explain how I knew, it just seemed self evident. For the first time since I was child I crawled out of bed, stayed down on my knees and  silently prayed to you for forgiveness, for doubting, for hating, for every sin I had committed or felt was my responsibility. I also forgave you for the wrongs I felt were your responsibility.

There was nothing to forgive dear Michael. As you forgave me you forgave yourself. You are a product of the human condition, I've said before that you are everyman. An emotional, psychological, spiritual being trapped in a physical body for now.

Yeah I've been meaning to speak to you about that. Did they have to take my bladder? These internal plumbing problems suck.

  Cancer happens. You smoke cigarettes for 25 years knowing they are a cause of cancer, then you are surprised when you get it? Take better care of this magnificent temple created just for you.

Well too late now.


No it's not. maybe for your bladder but not for the rest. I would prefer you spend a little longer where you're at. You are coming along nicely.

 So, I spend the next few years studying every book on religion I could get my hands on from the mundane to the erudite. The Bible from Genesis to Revelations, the Book of Mormon, the Urantia book, The Velveteen Rabbit and the Course in Miracles, Matthew Fox, Emmet Fox, Matin Luther, Martin Luther King. I started going to church weekly. A nice Unity Church, Christian but not in your face Christianity. At one point I accepted Christ as my savior, but that didn't last. I can accept Jesus as a friend who walks in spirit on my right side, I don't suppose I need a savior. But I can't accept the religions founded in his memory. They seem hypocritical though mostly well meaning, with some outrageous exceptions. Can you do something about the Westboro Baptist Church, maybe a lightning bolt or tornado.


If it happens it happens. But not at your whim.


   So that's my come to God story. Rather mundane. No pirates, Capt Jack Sparrow is AWOL, The messiah may or may not return and Revelations is a bunch of crap. I learned we, each of us, have a personal connection to a god of our understanding. Step 3 out of the way and I'm on the road to recovery. Whatever that means.

It mean's that you, who were once dead in spirit, are reborn in spirit. 
Now would be a good time for that video.





So my question to you is "What if god Were all of us?"


I am that I am.


And that is a lot more than I ever imagined. Life without spirit is meaningless.
Thanks for partying with me tonight. I'm crying and  blowing snot again. Why did you create pollen?


Just to piss you off!