Good evening Michael glad you came back to talk so quickly after our last bit of time together.
I'm afraid that being busy and tired is part of being human. I would honestly like to spend more time with you in this endeavor. I feel like our relationship moves to a higher plain when I talk with you. I can't say you are on my mind all of the time and I seldom feel you as the center of my being like before, but you know you/your presence is never far from mind. I thank you for this.
Actually it is you who has put in the work necessary to achieve this level of communication. I commend you.
I know what you mean by “work” but in an earlier post you indicated that direct communication with you was a more popular way of communication than was a church or other organized religion. So maybe I don't know what you mean by work, Can you explain?
Let me ask you a question what did you think I meant by “the work necessary?”
Well, I originally I thought you were referring to the hours of meditation, churchgoing and prayer that I put in to be closer to you, but on second thought none of that really got me any closer to you or you any closer to me. While I was working toward a spiritual union in that manner it didn't seem to matter when life got rough. You were still just as far away. In retrospect it wasn't simply the stuff I did that brought me closer to you, it was life happening around me that brought you closer to me.
Yes, you have the answer but you want me to explain. I like the way you phrased that : “it was life happening around me that brought you closer to me”. It almost works both ways, hm? It was life happening around us that brought us closer together, Do you remember as a teenager that one moment of clarity where we connected? You were walking to a friends house, the sun came out from behind some clouds and you reached toward me for the first time consciously.
Yes I remember I think I was 17, the beauty of that sky opening up like that was an experience. I do remember reaching out to God. However my Idea of God was much different than it is today.
Sure, that brief experience was not enough to sustain you but it did spark an interest in those items you mentioned earlier, meditation, prayer and church. Although your churchgoing was and is rather spotty.The meditation, eastern thought and experience with the non material entity Seth in the 70's and early 80's opened your mind somewhat to the possibility of God in man, but you didn't accept that until the 90's. Why?
Partly because I hadn't yet formed a working definition of God, I wanted you to be out there somewhere taking care of things and as long as life was going along well I was happy with you out there instead of being essential to my makeup. No real inner realization developed. Then my brother Jay died and for the first time I really became angry with you. I didn't want you to exist at least not as I'd been taught in bible school, church and books. Here's what I remember from those early days “Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so”. How can I, not really believing in you, and angry at you at the same time bring you into my life at that point? I couldn't.
Yet you could bring comfort to others during that time immediately after your brother's death. You talked of Jay being better off where he was rather than in the emotional turmoil he experienced in the world around him and the recreational chemicals he used to shut out that part of his life. Those same chemicals that killed him. That was true you know, Jay truly was better off. You also talked of him being available as spirit to those who chose to reach out in spirit and feel his presence. You even believed it and practiced reaching out in spirit, but I still was the target of your anger. Why?
Because he was dead and you may not have killed him but you didn't prevent his death. An all loving all powerful creator should have been able to save him.
But you couldn't either could you?
No I couldn't and that's the part that really hurt.
I'm going to stop here for tonight. Too many tears even 27 years later. I know that later there will be joy but at this point in my life it was all pain, all anger directed mostly at myself though lots leftover for God.
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